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COOKBOOK CONTENTS
 
FRONT COVER
BACK COVER
PART ONE: A FEW BASICS
Key
About availability of ingredients
Available commissary products
Easily absconded dining room items
More challenging kitchen items
About spices
How to measure stuff
Dry volume
Liquid volume
Measuring butter
Measuring sugar
How to cut stuff
Special stuff about microwave cooking times
About stingers
How to rinse canned roast beef
How to rehydrate refried beans
How to heat tortillas
How to bake potatoes
Making toast
About packaged bagels
Boiling eggs
Popcorn-bag fried rice
Popcorn-bag fried potatoes
Party snack mixes
Making your own prison cheese


PART TWO: ENTREES AND APPETIZERS
Tropical chicken and rice with banana
Tomato fried rice with chicken
Shepherd’s pie
Chicken and dumplings
Wild Man Chang’s sea food noodles
Spicy tuna patties
Holy Mackerel patties
Salmon croquettes
Avocado cheese burgers
Thai cashew chicken
Beef teriyaki
Orange beef
Egg Mac Ruffian
Tasmanian omelet
Spaghetti and meatballs
Classic chili pie
Rodeo’s chili and bean pie
Turkey sausage with avocado bagelwich
Criminal mischief burger
Barbeque beef sandwich
Honey mustard salmon on bagel
The Flaming Dragon-Nostril Burger-of-Delight
Roast beef with grill cheese sandwich
Hobo Bob’s deluxe beans and franks
Creamy tuna casserole
Chicken and potato quiche
New England clam chowder
Felon of the Sea tuna pizza
Thick crust pizza
Pig in a Pokey
Spicy Cajun gumbo
Cuban Style Caldo seafood soup in a spicy tomato broth
Spicy Italian lamb pasta
Old Corn Tucker’s creamy cheese with chicken pasta
Beef filled potato rolls
Pasta salad
INTRODUCTION

These recipes are the result of years of hard labor, personal risk, and great treachery. To get these recipes involved savage coercion and brutality. Once I almost killed a man just to learn the secret of his fondue. And now, for the first time ever, I literally drag these guarded treasures from their
steel-lock boxes for your own pleasure and amusement.

During my cruel retreat at Club Fed, I observed two main types of eaters. The first and smaller group is the prison gourmets. These folks take great pride in cooking. Their delicious banquet spreads are part of a larger cultural ritual. Ethnic groups, such as Latinos and Asians, often celebrate a rich culture of good food that is carried over into prison life. Here, it is a part of their regular social cohesion.

To see this type of eater cooking is like watching a chef at work in a bistro. Producing a meal may take all afternoon and involve a small army of participants. They can be seen around the microwave stirring, taking a taste of this and adding a pinch of that. The result is extraordinary fare, but there are downsides.

Prison gourmets do not settle for the usual commissary items, they use special channels to get special ingredients. Utilizing contacts across the compound, they come up with a full array of fresh meats, cheeses, vegetables and spices that others may have trouble getting. Their utensils and cookware are also contraband. Another downside, for the average schlub, is that this style of cooking takes a long time.

The other common type of eater (the largest group) is the lazy uncreative fraternal type. These people just kick in whatever they have lying around and make a communal pile. The stuff is all blended together and doled out in bowls. The typical ingredients are roast beef, turkey log, canned chili, refried beans, cheese spread, and onions, all melted over chips. This nameless potluck comfort food is usually pretty good. But it, too, has downsides.

It is easy for this style of cooking to become a big fiasco. It is never clear who contributed what, if anything, and who is suppose to cook or clean. Another problem is that people are not all hungry at the same time or for the same exact thing. The potluck method gets old, too. After all, it’s just the same old ingredients reshuffled in differing volumes.

Aside from these few small objections there is nothing particularly wrong with either type of eater. If either of these two scenarios appeals to you, then federal prison is your dream come true. On the other hand, if you are independent and self-sufficient with discriminating taste, this book was written for you.

The overwhelming majority of ingredients described in this book are things that any federal inmate can legally purchase at their commissary. A few of the items may not be widely available; these are noted for your consideration.

Each recipe here was personally prepared, often multiple times, in order to fine-tune every step. Details were recorded in a simple yet scientific way for your convenience. Finally, a panel of very tasteful and elite inmate critics sampled each dish and gave honest, almost caveman-like, opinions and suggestions. Only those recipes, which met broad favor, were included.

Most of these items are very good; many are quick, economical and clever. I know that you will carry these tricks with you back into the free world. They will be fun to teach to your kids and use to impress your camping partners.

I hope that you enjoy sampling these goodies as much as I did extorting them from others. Bon Appétit,

                                                                                                                                                                         – Mad Dog
PART THREE: SPECIAL MEXICAN FOOD SECTION
Pico de gallo
Guacamole salad
Creamy chili con queso dip
Hot and spicy queso dip (method one)
Hot and spicy queso dip (method two)
Salsa dip
Laredo seafood cocktails
Fish, sausage, and potato tacos
Lay down tacos
Guido’s burritos
Chicken tacos
Gorditas
Hot tamales
Sopes
Tex-Mex beef enchiladas
Tex-Mex cheese enchiladas with chili con carne
Sour cream chicken enchiladas
Classic chicken enchiladas
Chicken quesadillas

PART FOUR: BREAK OUT BEVERAGES
Cinnamon-flavored lemonade
Raspberry or cherry flavored lemonade
Cinnamon desert coffee
Mint coffee
Peanut butter coffee
Cherry coffee
Chocolate coffee
Classic hot tea
Peppermint ice tea
Raspberry ice tea
Orange-flavored ice tea made from powered drink mix
Orange-flavored ice tea made with real orange juice
Lemon honey ice tea
Spicy vegetable juice
Chocolate smoothie
Pappy Frosty Fingers: snow cones and slushy-ice drinks
Cocktails
Brew Hoo: A.K.A. Jailhouse Hooch
Jew Brew
Sore throat remedies: garlic tea
Lemonade sore throat remedy
PART FIVE: BAR RATTLIN’ DESSERTS
Ice Cream
Regular chocolate ice cream (made with powdered milk)
Regular vanilla ice cream made with powdered milk
Deluxe ice cream (using real milk)
Snazzy ice cream treats
Chocolate sundae with peanuts and caramel
Banana split
Classic popcorn balls
Maple popcorn balls
Peanut butter popcorn balls
Chocolate carmel popcorn balls
Caramel peanut popcorn confection
“Prisoner of Corn” cornflake cookies
Sweet Self-Surrender granola cookies
Chocolate no-bake cookies (with real cocoa powder)
Chocolate no-bake cookies (with hot cocoa drink mix)
Peanut butter no bake cookies
Chocolate brownies with honey carmel glaze
Toffee glazed brownie wafers
Peanut butter pie
Creamy chocolate pudding (with instant cocoa drink mix)
Real banana pudding
Faux banana pudding
Lemon pudding
Cappuccino mocha cheesecake
Lemon cheesecake with strawberry crust
Iced almond raisin banana cake
Layer cake with chocolate frosting
Lemon cake with lemon frosting
Spongy M & M® cake
Peanut brittle (method one)
Peanut brittle (method two)
M & M® pralines
Chocolate peanut butter fudge
Carmel fudge
Creamy peanut butter fudge
Creamy chocolate fudge
Chocolate taffy
Shoe Chew candy shoe leather
Citrus sliced candy
Soft and chewy lemon candy
Drooling weirdo chocolate peanut butter cups
Lollipops
Weenie Pops
Carmel Apples
Cinnamon apple cobbler
Bananas Foster pie
Chariot of the Thugs baklava date bar
Jailhouse Dunderfunk

COMMISSARY LISTS
Ashland Federal Correctional Institution
Atwater United States Penitentiary
Bastrop Federal Correctional Institution
Bennettsville Federal Correctional Institution
Deluth Federal Prison Camp
Edgefield Federal Correctional Institution
Fort Dix Federal Correctional Institution
Gilmer Federal Correctional Institution
Greenville Federal Correctional Institution
La Tuna Federal Correctional Institution (SHU)
Manchester Federal Correctional Institution
Oakdale Federal Correctional Institution
Sandstone Federal Correctional Institution
Schuylkill Federal Correctional Institution

prison cookbook